Jordan's Surgery, My Prospectus, and Sacrament Meeting

For those of you reading....beware, this will be a LONG post!

**********Jordan's Surgery**********

November 6, 2013

How do I aptly describe how I am feeling today?  Maybe I should take it from the beginning.

Jordan is having surgery – AS I WRITE, as a matter of fact. *BIG SIGH*  The nurse back with him just called to let me know they were underway.  She must be a mother, knowing how I was feeling. 

Around 26 years ago I was playing in a softball tournament in Logan, Utah.  Up to that point I hadn’t started many games (though I THOUGHT I should have been).  However, this particular day my coach came in before the game and let me know I would be starting at shortstop.  I was pretty excited! 

It was my birthday weekend so my father and step mom came and took me out to breakfast before the game. They hadn’t seen me play in college to that point. It was fun but all I could think about was starting – finally getting my chance to show my stuff.  We were playing the University of Arizona, who likely brought their 6^th string to play us.  But that didn’t matter to me.  I got to the complex about the same time the team did and began warming up – not knowing that an hour later my life would change drastically.  I’m sure I tried to act cool and nonchalant about finally getting to start but inside I was jumping for joy.  Their first batter bunted and outran the throw.  Her legs were probably as tall as I was. She was fast and strong.  I knew the drill.  Good teams always did this….their first player gets on and then on the first pitch steals 2^nd, then 3^rd, and probably scores with a hit, either a sacrifice fly or a true base hit, and they are on the board.  Well, I was right.  My catcher, Trina, and I had worked this a million times and were good.  Well, SHE was good. I just caught the ball.  She could throw just about from a crouch and hit my glove dead on every time.  Only this time … she missed.  I was straddling the bag waiting so drop my glove in front of the base and get the runner out.  The ball was thrown just a bit in front of me so I stepped out and figured I’d sweep behind me to tag her.  That’s the last thought I remember….until I heard myself scream and the pain was intense. She had dove into my leg (probably not on purpose) and crumpled me. The trainers knew I wouldn’t be back in the game. My 5 minutes of starting glory that year were cut short…very short! I spent the rest of the day on crutches.

To make a very long story short, I spent the night at my uncle’s house and then was at the surgery center at 6am the next morning for Arthroscopic surgery to find out what exactly was wrong with my knee.  The trainers figured it was just a meniscus or a sprain….but when the surgeon, Dr Goble, got in he found a completely shredded medial collateral ligament. Needless to say, they fixed it right then and there.

But I want to relate the other part of the story. My mother’s side – though I didn’t know how she was feeling at the time.  She wasn’t present when I injured myself. In fact, she didn’t get to Logan until I was in the bathroom trying to give a urine sample. I knew she walked in because she told them to have me run my hand under warm water (I used to not be able to give a sample so easily – not so now. I think I could give a sample even if I had JUST gone to the bathroom). I was soooooo relieved she was there.  I …. I …. I. I didn’t want to go through with surgery without her there.  I wasn’t angry just couldn’t stand to be without my mom.

But I NEVER even thought how SHE must be feeling.  Not until this many years later did I even THINK of it.  Yet today I sent a text to her letting her know how I was feeling.  “It’s a mom thing,” she responded. Yeah, Jordan seemed pretty calm but I was a wreck.  I don’t think I slept much last night – at all. As I drove to Mattoon – about a 30 minute drive – I began to think about how my mom felt driving to Logan that morning having not seen me AT ALL previously.  Though Jordan was just status quo my mind was going a million miles an hour. It got worse as we got back to the preop room and he actually started getting nervous.  He calmed down, but I’m not sure I did.  As they told me to go to the consult room and wait for him I can’t appropriately describe my feelings.  I knew he didn’t want me to cry or be mushy gushy, but I hugged him and kissed him on the forehead.  I wasn’t even in the room 20 minutes before Dr Eubanks came back in saying he was done and ALL went great! In fact….I saved this before THIS paragraph…..so NOT long at all.

I feel much better knowing he is done, but now for recovery.  I am not allowed back there yet…but soon, I hope. Yeah, being the mom is A LOT harder than being the one prepping for surgery! I would have MUCH RATHER been in HIS place than MINE!  And not just because my role was hard….but because of what I believe every mother, every parent feels – we would rather we take the pain than our children.  And so…that is how I feel today.  It has been more difficult than I expected.

But….he is good!  His meniscus WAS discoid like we were hoping and so instead of needing to repair the meniscus the doctor just clipped it off making the meniscus more normal looking, yet still a big meniscus making his future bright!  He said he should be released NEXT THURSDAY back to activity!  YIPPPEEEE!!!

When I finally got back to his recovery room he was already awake. I had SO hoped to be there when he woke up....he admitted to me then that coming out of the anesthesia was what he was most scared of, or rather NOT waking back up. He told me the whole anesthesia was a trip and that when he woke up he first wondered when they would be doing the surgery. I remember feeling the same thing until I saw my knee propped up and then shortly after FELT the pain in my knee. He was STARVING so he ate a bit and tried to just rest and get ok enough to LEAVE and go eat.  

I think we left a bit early....we got only a little ways from the hospital and I had to pull over. Here is my boy....feeling more nervous than he let on, but doing well now.

Before surgery...

 

 His shaved knee...           Getting ready to leave...

 

Welcome back to reality...

 At Monical's eating FINALLY...

 He spent a couple days recovering but today feels much better! He is walking more normal and in a LOT less pain! Thankfully all is well!

**********My Prospectus**********

November 8, 2013

It seems really weird to write about, but I am to that point in my doctoral program I never thought I would get to....my dissertation! Prelims in February were a hurdle and now I have completed my first 3 chapters and on Friday I presented it to my committee for approval - so I can go ahead with my data collection!

The presentation itself wasn't as nerve wracking as I expected. Presentations aren't the difficult part for me. But sitting and being grilled was what I think I dreaded. I had re read it enough that I KNEW it inside and out. I did. But I think I expected them to talk a LOT more about my Review of Literature, my Chapter 2. They said NOTHING about it. And although they DID ask me some questions, I feel like I was able to answer them adequately. But there WERE a couple I had to say, "Wow, I had NEVER thought of that....that is a good idea, thanks!" Mostly, though, they talked among themselves. It felt like a very big brainstorming session for ME! I liked that. I felt good about it. I would have LOVED to have had this conversation BEFORE starting  it all so I could have made it just that much better. But I suppose that is what this whole Prospectus was all about....about me proposing what I want to do and them improving it with their vast knowledge and experience.

The room was FILLED with my friends. I felt SOOOO good, so supported. Faustina Blanks stayed the night from her class the night before just so she could attend. She and I started this process at the same time! She teaches at SIUE so is going a little slower than I am. Even Dr Fetro came! THAT made my whole day! She added a perfect comment about my focus group. It was just soooo wonderful and I am so grateful for the direction my study is taking.

I started off saying "My name is Denise Demers, also a Doctoral Candidate, and I don't want to be here...." meaning that I didn't want to stay a candidate for a long time. We had all just been talking about it. It was a comic relief....one that I needed.

The funny part was that I forgot the signing page...not really funny, but how it goes. My poor committee had to wait around on a Friday afternoon for me to go and get it printed off. Then they couldn't find it on the website and it took WAY TOO LONG! Memories!!!! 

Afterward I went to dinner with Peggy Sullivan and as she talked about school I realized I just wasn't into it all. I was "done." I cared so much about what she was saying because I care, but I didn't really care....I have moved on. I am applying for jobs, after all. It is a really weird feeling....but I have enjoyed being treated as though I am a junior faculty, as though I have made it one step further.  It is hard to describe, but I actually enjoy this feeling. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel....and I LIKE it! 

And now I have a lot of work cut out for me....and off I go! May 10 graduation HERE I COME!!!

**********Sacrament Meeting**********

November 10, 2013

 On Friday Kelsey told me she needed to prepare a talk. I couldn't remember her being given something in Primary about speaking this Sunday, but I figured I had just spaced it. Come to find out Scott had asked her to speak in SACRAMENT MEETING! Holy Cow! Spencer couldn't believe that she was speaking when she was only 10 - he didn't give his first talk in Sac Mtg until he was 12. But sure enough....she was to give a talk on faith. We worked on it but she didn't REALLY want to talk. I couldn't blame her....at 10 I'm pretty sure I would have been WAY too scared to even stand in front of the congregation.

She came to Champaign with me Saturday afternoon for my Girls Camp Meeting. I do love spending time with Kelsey, my favorite girl! And what I love most is that SHE loves spending time with ME! We tried to talk about it on the way up, but she wasn't in the mood. All I knew was that I WASN'T going to write the talk for her. But afterwards we went out to eat at Chili's and talked about it there. I had a pencil in my coat pocket and a receipt that she wrote down thoughts as I would ask her questions. I was proud that SHE wrote the talk. I helped, but she wrote the things that SHE wanted to say.

 I know that is hard to read so here is her talk:

Do you know what faith is? Well, let me tell you.

1. 1. Faith is knowing the sun will rise, lighting each new day.
   Faith is knowing the Lord will hear my prayers each time I pray.
   Faith is like a little seed:
   If planted, it will grow.
   Faith is a swelling within my heart.
   When I do right, I know.
2. 2. Faith is knowing I lived with God before my mortal birth.
   Faith is knowing I can return when my life ends on earth.
   Faith is trust in God above;
   In Christ, who showed the way.
   Faith is strengthened; I feel it grow
   Whenever I obey.

Faith led Joseph Smith into a grow of trees to pray. From his experience I know that I can pray to Heavenly Father anytime and anywhere and He will not only hear, but answer my prayers. I'm thankful that I learned all this through my years in PRimary because now when I stand at the blocks getting ready to swim I pray to my HEavenly Father to help me in my event. I am glad to be able to share my thoughts on faithe with you because it says in the 4th Article of Faith that faith is the first principle of the gospel. Not just faith alone, but faith in the Lord Jesus Christ. I know He lives. I know He loves me and that through Him I can live with Heavenly Father again.

In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

I was SOOOOo proud of her. I couldn't stop smiling. She did GREAT! I had no doubts .... but it is always nice to see your child do well.

The opening song in Sac Mtg was The Lord is My Light. The first line touched my heart and a flood of thought flowed through me.

 The Lord is my light; then why should I fear?

Back in the Spring as I spoke with Dr Miller (my dissertation committee chair) after completing and passing my Prelims she told me something that has affected me since that moment. She knows of my faith, my membership in my church, and how devote I am. As I sat in her office not knowing exactly HOW to do things and WHERE I would be going and .... frankly, stressing a little bit. She chuckled and said something like, "You faithful people always amaze me. You are so faithful yet you lack faith in what will happen!" (that's not exactly what she said, but it was the gist of it).

It took me back a little as I realized how right she was. I was professing faith in God, but not in His timing, in His overall love for me and His plan. Since that time I have really been keenly aware of His timing, His love, His involvement in my life!

As I continued to sing the song I felt His love. I remembered the keen sense of peace I have felt as I have gone through this doctoral process and the knowledge that HE will lead me the rest of the way through and into the job HE has prepared for me.

I LOVE feeling the Spirit as I sing His praises! I KNOW He lives. I KNOW His Son is my Redeemer - then WHY SHOULD I FEAR? I will choose FAITH!

 1. The Lord is my light; then why should I fear?
By day and by night his presence is near.
He is my salvation from sorrow and sin;
This blessed assurance the Spirit doth bring.

[Chorus]
The Lord is my light;
He is my joy and my song.
By day and by night he leads,
He leads me along.

2. The Lord is my light; tho clouds may arise,
Faith, stronger than sight, looks up thru the skies
Where Jesus forever in glory doth reign.
Then how can I ever in darkness remain?

3. The Lord is my light; the Lord is my strength.
I know in his might I'll conquer at length.
My weakness in mercy he covers with pow'r,
And, walking by faith, I am blest ev'ry hour.

4. The Lord is my light, my all and in all.
There is in his sight no darkness at all.
He is my Redeemer, my Savior, and King.
With Saints and with angels his praises I'll sing.

I am so happy to be alive! So much more is happening and I have been too busy this past week to write. I will catch up later....but soon!