A Peak Inside - Some Defining Moments in my Life

It doesn't seem like that long ago that I read the March 1997 Young Women General Meeting talk given by Pres Faust.  A friend had suggested I read it as I prepared for a speaking assignment.  It was a life changing event for me....literally!

I don't know the exact moment I learned exactly what the Spirit feels like for me.  I am pretty sure that it wasn't just ONE exact moment but a series of MANY small experiences that defined for me what I now consider my greatest blessing in life.  Without knowing what the Spirit feels like, without knowing how to feel and recognize it, I would be lost.  So many of the blessings I have received have come first with that feeling that surpasses all others.

It may have begun with a simple prayer of a young girl excited to go to an amusement park with her family and hearing on the news before that it was going to rain.  Dad said we would just go another time.  He wasn't the excited youngster, that is for sure.  How could I wait for another weekend???  I couldn't.  So, I did the only thing I knew to do.  I prayed.  I'm sure it was pretty much pleading as eloquently as a young girl could....but more wanting than needing, probably begging for something that may even seem unnecessary.  But, the Lord answered my prayer.  I knew it as sure as I knew the nose on my face.  Coincidence was NEVER an option for me that day.  Heavenly Father had made it not rain, plain and simple.

It may have continued while kneeling on the 70s style orange carpet in my bedroom while a freshman in high school.  My seminary teacher had said that if we prayed to know if the Book of Mormon was true, God would let us know.  So, I did.  And I actually got an answer.  It was not at all what I had expected but was exactly what was true.  "You already know it is true."  So, I went further...."Is Nephi real, then?"  I began to read as if I were crouching behind a bush watching it happen.  Silly maybe, but from that and the feeling I came to know as the Spirit, I knew that Nephi was a real person.

I'm pretty sure the continuance was perpetuated in the counseling office at my high school as I applied for colleges and just KNEW that I should apply to and attend Southern Utah University.  Amazingly (hahaha) I got a scholarship there.  It seems that when the Lord sees that I make a correct decision, He blesses me.

In the MTC and throughout my mission, the ability to feel and recognize the Spirit only grew stronger and stronger.  I remember sitting in a meeting where the teacher asked us to pray about the prophet Joseph Smith before we watched the First Vision.  Why? I thought.  I already know he is a prophet.  But I did, out of my compliant nature, probably.  And I am so glad that I did.  The Spirit I felt that evening was so powerful that testifying of Joseph Smith as a prophet became something I loved....I cannot deny what I know from that night in the MTC and MANY other experiences.

So many memories come to mind.  So very, very many.

Which leads me to the Gen YW Mtg on 1997.  Scott was in Boston for a school project.  As I read Pres Faust's words I prayed to know what I was to say in my upcoming speaking assignment.  A prayer about motherhood was farthest from my mind....FARTHEST!!!!   But it was at that moment while reading his words that I just KNEW that I needed to stay at home with my son...4 months old at the time.  I don't know how to explain how I knew....I just did.  It was that same feeling that had been growing inside of me for years and years.  It was the feeling I had become accustomed to and longed for so often.  It was MY feeling....MY way of feeling the Lord's love for me, His guidance and direction, His Spirit.

And so, the decision was made within a week and we figured out how we were going to do exactly what the Lord wanted ... me to stay at home ... when I was the primary breadwinner in our family at that time.  After the decision, the right decision, the Lord worked it all out for us.  ALL of it!  From a lump sum raise to a landlord lowing our rent so we could stay (and not just a few dollars...LOTS of money).

THAT experience is one of many....but a very defining moment in my life.  It gave me strength to trust what the Lord asks.  I haven't been perfect, but I am continuing to try to understand what the Lord wants...and when I am feeling the Spirit.  I am continuing to learn to recognize it and ACT upon it.

Fast forward nearly 13 years....(not that there haven't been a multitude of defining moments throughout those many years of motherhood).

Going back to school has been another defining moment!  The Lord has made so very much possible.  I now know; I now see His hand orchestrating the blessings for my whole family.  Had circumstances not been just perfect, I would have NEVER chosen to return.  And by 'perfect' I don't necessarily mean that everything was peachy!  Quite the opposite.  But had the struggle not been there the blessing could not have come either.  He knew where I needed to go, where I needed to be, and what I needed to do.  He knew what my family needed....He knows what is best for us!

It will always amaze me how intricately and intimately He is involved in my life.  Out of the billions of people on the earth, He knows ME!  He orchestrates experiences so that I will be where I need to be, when I need to be there, meeting those that I need to meet, etc.  And the most amazing part....I am NOT the only one He does this for.  How does He do it?  Someday I will ask Him.

But as for now, the same feeling that I have come to rely on as the Spirit, has come again.  And I cannot deny it!  D&C 88:33 states:

For what doth it profit a man if a gift is bestowed upon him, and he receive not the gift? Behold, he rejoices not in that which is given unto him, neither rejoices in him who is the giver of the gift.

I feel as though the Lord has been placing 'gifts' in my hands.  How can I say no?  "No thanks, Lord.  I appreciate your offer, but I think I will choose my own path?"  Putting it that way makes the alternative to following His path ludicrous!  I have learned in my life that my own plans are not nearly as good as His!  And so I will follow His plan (and thankfully He has one for ME....designed JUST for me).  He is giving the gifts and if I don't receive them, I am not only not rejoicing in the gift, but in the GIVER of the gift - God!  Because I rejoice in Him, I receive each gift with gratitude and awe!

I have a dissertation topic!  I have plans to study with Dr Karol Kumpfer in Vienna, Austria this summer.  And I know it is what I am supposed to do!  The excitement of my new direction is hard to share via blogging.  It just feels so right.  Everything I have done up to this point in my life has led me to THIS point...this decision.  The defining moments have strengthened me and given me the ability to know to choose the right way in this instance too. 

And just like after I made the decision to stay home, He blessed me...He is doing the same now.  It is as if He is saying to me, "You made the right choice ... here is the way to make it work."  Amazing!

On Thursday I was offered a TA for next semester.  With the tuition I won't have to pay and the stipend $$$ I will have more than enough to go to Vienna!  It will still be difficult.  I will still have to work my behind off.  But having a direction I feel so good about makes it all worth it.

Boy, THAT is the bare minimum of that experience.  Maybe I should have written it out before telling anyone.  Now it seems watered down....but still....I am feeling led by the hand of God.  I am feeling what I know to be the Spirit.  And I am happy!

After the weekend listening to Elder Bednar, his wife, Elder Ward, his wife, Pres Lunt, and various other speakers, I know and can feel the help of the Lord.  I know that He is strengthening me, leading me, guiding me.  And I know that I not only will make it, but that I am doing the right thing.

The Lord is good to me!