Am I Allowed to be TIRED?

I think I've hit a new state of exhaustion....not just tired anymore!  This week I spent from Tues until Fri in Carbondale at school.  I kick myself for not being MORE productive when I am down there.  I want when I am home to be able to spend every minute with my family.  I have to be more disciplined and spend every moment working when I am there so I can just play when I am home.  But I also know my limits....and I think I have reached them.

I deemed this week "jeans and a t-shirt" week.  I only brought ONE pair of jeans and just wore a t-shirt (a different clean one each day) and a hoodie!  No dressing up....just plain old plain!  I must have even looked tired because more than one or two people came up to me asking if I was ok.  I wonder if it's the black circles under my eyes that gives me away! (darnit)

I try to remain positive because I really do know that I will make it through.  I sometimes see light at the end of the tunnel and get excited.  I spent time with my Committee Chair this week talking about my dissertation topic.  I get excited and scared and anxious and psyched and excited and scared all at the same time!  Yeah...maybe not necessarily in that order, but over and over and over just like that.  I can do this!  It is fun to think about writing in a way that I enjoy....not so technical like a Quantitative study where it reads super academically, but more like a story....where I can tell a story about a phenomenon!  THAT excites me.  I think I can actually do it!

But...school right now is all reading and 4 huge classes that get me this semester.  Sadly (but really GRATEFULLY), I have figured out which ones I don't need to read every word for!

My Stats class is going ok.  I just need to make sure I do it every day.  I totally get it when she is explaining it, and even after class when I do my assignment.  However, when class comes again in a couple days or more I forget momentarily how I got to the correct answer in the first place.  No worries...I am hanging in there.

I absolutely LOVE my Intro to Qualitative studies class.  A lot of reading, but a lot of figuring it all out too (and who I am as a researcher, etc)  My professor is a friend of mine and makes it WONDERFUL!  She knows the topic and .... well, I just really enjoy that class!

My education class is just too much talking about things.  It's a seminar class where we just talk about things.  I like the topics and there's a lot of good ideas going around from all the other PhD students...but it gets a little long after an hour (the class is 2 1/2 hours).  I'll live!

And lastly, I have a Health Education Seminar class.  It actually is a lot more structured.  TONS of reading of dissertations, but in an effort to improve my own....to learn the strengths and weaknesses of others so I can figure mine all out.  Today I observed someone's prospectus (where they get with their committee and propose their study).  It was pretty cool.....reminded me of defending my Thesis at BYU.  I'll be there about this time next year.  Jeepers....time flies!  Prelims for everyone are next week.  I'll take them next Feb and then Prospect in March-ish!  Golly....can this really be?

Driving home today I was pretty excited to get HOME!  My family is handling my absence better this semester than ever.....that is good.  But it saddens me to hear my kids so ok with it at one point and "Mom, you're NEVER home" on another.  Someday things will be different and all will be well because of this time.

The thing is...I know it is what my Heavenly Father wants me to be doing.  I KNOW He is the one carrying me through this ordeal.  I think and chuckle to myself sometimes that I could NEVER do this on my own with all that I have on my plate.  We laughed in the office the other day saying that no amount of time management can make our stress levels better....we just have too much on our plates.  So, that is true.  I'll just plow through it and some things will fall by the wayside for a bit.  I just keep trying to keep the right things at the top, keep the right perspective and priorities, and rely on the Lord.  Recently I have had a song by Hilary Weeks running through my head and heart.  It's called Be Still....I LOVE the man's part as if the Lord is really speaking straight to ME!  I need to always remember to BE STILL AND KNOW THAT HE IS GOD!

Here is a great youtube video....I couldn't do it without HIM!!!


And here is what I found on my pillow when I got home from Carbondale!  I do love my life...and my children and family!  I'll get to that pillow soon!  But in the meantime....I've got to have ice cream and watch Wipe Out with my family (our Fri night tradition lately)!  Yeah for being home for the weekend!