My Father

I have thought a LOT about my father these past couple weeks. Since his passing, I have thought often about him. I struggle to NOT be critical of myself for not calling more often. I suppose that is how it goes, you never do enough and don't think much of it until you do not have the ability anymore.

Thus it has been for me.

I miss him. I didn't talk to him nearly enough. But every time I did, I could feel his smile and his happiness - even when he could not talk as much as I knew he wanted to. Why does it take some people so long to realize the feeling of a parent? As a parent I know the love I have for my children. Is this how he felt about me? Surely it was ... as I am not different than any other parent. He loved me.

Here are a few things I have been thinking about:

1. The smile on my father's face whenever he was with his children or grandchildren. I hate that I can't find any more pics....goodness, that is horrible. Looking at the pics now, he was so good at looking right at the camera and I could see his immense and inner satisfaction and joy to be with them. He was a good man.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                Something that I am happy about, if ever I could be happy about something regarding his passing, is that he can now see MY kids play ball. He never has been able to see them play a sport. Now he can. I'm sure he is smiling as he cheers them on, as he sees their skill, as his heart swells with pride as HIS grandchildren!!
   
   
   
   
2. While driving to work the other day he was strong in my mind. I talked myself a note that read "I learned that I was just as tough as the boys and could play in any of the starting positions just as well (if not better) than they could.  I learned that I was good enough, that I was smart enough and talented enough and wise enough."
3. Driving....I loved that even at a young age he let me drive. He let me mow the lawn and I loved driving the John Deere all over the 3 acres. He let me drive the truck too. Grandma Zona had a little red Datsun (goodness, is that how you spell it?) I would sit in it and pretend to drive. When I got my license, he let me drive to St. George....well, not all the way, but drive. He was so patient.

I've had a lot of other thoughts, but I can't easily articulate them. They are mostly feelings in my heart. I am happy that he is near. I am happy that I have joyful memories and thoughts about him.