Wrestling

I've never understood wrestling....not that it isn't a worthy sport, just that I don't understand all its ins and outs. It was much the same as I felt about soccer 22 years ago....heck, 10 years ago. But since being married to Scott, I have learned that it isn't just a bunch of kids running around after a ball. It isn't a low scoring game because of no skill. There are plays and positions. And I even know what off-sides is now. And now I love it....so chances are high that if I had a child wrestling (my father wrestled in high school), I would learn to understand and love it too.

But this is not THAT type of wrestling. Let me tell you, instead, of the wrestle I have had these last few months, and most specifically this past week. It is an inner wrestle, no specific moves that I can identify except raw vulnerable hurt and an effort to understand the deeper meaning of what is really going on.

That sounds ominous, but in reality, it is merely real life and years of ME stuff. I share today for the sake of getting it out and that maybe one day my children or grandchildren will read and be able to be stronger.

I suffer from an acute, malignant, chronic case of boundary issues. For as long as I can remember, I have said yes to many many many invitations to help with, do, clean up, fix, etc. And until recently, I feel like I've done a pretty good job of it. However, recently (in the last 5+ years or so) I have come to realize that maybe I do too much. Maybe I am keeping myself busier than I should be or need to be. I remember when my kids were young and cell phones were just beginning to be a big thing that everyone had, I would call my mom on the way somewhere. She made a comment (at least once, but I imagine MANY times) that I am always in the car, that for a stay at home mom I sure was away from home a lot. I laughed it off then...and kind of still do. Other comments from others found a place inside me, tickling sometime deep inside, "Listening to you tell me about what you do all day makes me tired" "How do you do it all?"

Yes, I suffer from doing too much and it's catching up to me. But not until I saw that the apple (my beautiful daughter) was not only falling "far from" the tree, but was BECOMING the tree did it really begin to make sense.

This is Kelsey's first year of high school and the classes are harder. But, after a long hard decision last spring for her to not to even try out for Volleyball we thought we were helping her out. We were....we did. But in NOT doing volleyball so she could concentrate and play soccer this Fall, she decided to run Cross Country to stay in shape. It was a brilliant plan.....until basketball and AP US History and ALL the other things she was doing (early morning seminary, Student Council, Ambassadors). I found my usually upbeat happy light up the room daughter stressed out, crying, angry and hating life for most of the time. We talked MANY times about letting something go.

Yes ... THIS was the time for me to look deep into my own soul. How well do I do, or even model, this boundary setting? This saying NO to something for the sake of self or happiness? This Good, Better, Best idea? THIS is where I suffer...where I have run myself down. Sure, I am strong. I am good at many things. I can do just about anything. But I can't say NO....and that leaves no time to recuperate, to rejuvenate, to heal, to let down for a bit to gain strength. Instead, I am like an energizer bunny....always going going going but never getting done the things I care about the most. That's not to say I don't care about my work, and serving others, but the things that make me me...yeah, THOSE things have fallen by the wayside.

I should have realized this a long time ago. I recall driving to Carbondale for school one day and talking to my mom as I drove. I don't remember her exact comment, but the gist of it was that she is happy to have me back, my happy self back. Where had I lost ME?

And now I was looking at my 15 yr old self in my daughter. My daughter who is good at everything. My daughter who can do anything and do it well. My daughter whom everyone loves to be around. I was watching her implode and it was killing me. She did not want to cut ANYTHING out...EVERYTHING was important, everything mattered. Our compromise was to only do two sports in one day. Her schedule WAS Basketball 7th period, Cross Country after school, the soccer on Monday and Thursday evenings. We cut it back to not practicing for cross country on the days she had soccer. It SORT of freed things up, but instead she wouldn't come home and try to catch up an ANYTHING. She would stay at basketball practice later, til right before soccer. She wasn't getting home til 8pm or so.

Watching this was all a bad dream in reality. It was hard to watch my daughter struggle. It was hard to see her so stressed and not happy. But what was even MORE difficult was ME!!! If I truly put myself in her shoes, I would not want to quit anything either. ALL were important. Looking back now for me and my high school, I realize I just didn't do my homework. I let my schooling slide. I would barely make it through school, go to practice, then to work, and get home after 10pm. It is just what I did. I'd fall asleep with my light on and a book in my bed. My sister would wake me up when she got up for school. If I wasn't working, I was at a game and getting home just as late. When did I have TIME to study or do homework. Gratefully, I suppose, I got it...and did well in school. Imagine if I would have actually studied (another completely different story when I think of my kids....and how similar they are to me).

It is just what I did. And just what I still do. However, now I can't keep it up so well. And I am learning to say NO, so prioritize and set boundaries for ME. In so doing, I have been talking to Kelsey about this all year. With Cross Country ending (this past Friday) and basketball becoming her first sport, it was time to make a decision. She is great at basketball, but it isn't her first love. It is mine. She has even stated that she will probably not play next year. So, with help from me, she decided to quit.

She is SO strong! I KNOW I wouldn't be able to do what she did. She struggled through it....took some flack from the coach, but in the end it all worked out and she is happy with her decision. It is still a little raw and painful, but she has prayed about it and knows it is the right decision.

As for me, though I DO know that it is the right decision, I have felt horrible. This has really hit me square between the eyes and cut me straight to the tender locked up place in my heart ... that I am not sure I even knew existed. Two words that I struggle with are QUIT and FAIL. I have come to terms (at least a little) with FAILING and how it is the process of learning and growing and progressing. However, QUIT is a completely different beast. I don't consider Kelsey a quitter, by ANY stretch. Instead, she set a boundary. But if it were me....it would have been QUITTING ..... in fact, sadly I must admit that I have second guessed this decision I helped her make since Thursday when she called me bawling from the bathroom at lunch after speaking with her coach.

Why is QUITTING so hard for me? I get that once I've begun, I see it through. And that is a good thing. But in getting too deep in...maybe that is my problem. I wouldn't have to QUIT if I didn't get myself in too deep. But ..... even as I say this, I feel weak. I wonder if Kelsey really COULD have done it. I KNOW she could have. But would she have been happy?

And why is this such a struggle for ME? I don't really know all the answers yet, but what I do know is that I am grateful for the example of my daughter and want to be able to learn to say NO and set boundaries with my time and what is most important to me better than I do. It isn't easy...that is for sure.

The wrestle continues. I will win, but it will be a wrestle none the less. It will be tough. I know there will be times that I wish the opposite of what I am doing and have to reset and do better. I also know that I will see small triumphs....that will one day become bigger.

This is a heavy and personal post. It's nowhere NEAR finished....but it will end now. Thankful for Kelsey. Thankful for friends that help me see what is right and good regardless of how hard or easy it is. Thankful for God and to Him and His Son, my Savior, Jesus Christ for carrying my burden for me when I cannot ..... if I will but give them up to them!