The Writing on the Wall

It isn't always that I display the most wisdom and smarts of my age...or at least what I believe I OUGHT to possess of both.  In fact, sadly I tend to think I can do it all, be it all, and accomplish it all...and not just for ME but for EVERYONE!  Surely there is a remedy for this.

Last year I was awarded a fellowship at SIUC.  Simply stated, this just means that they pay for school AND a monthly stipend for me in hopes that I will spend my time furthering my education and educational research without worrying so much about feeding and clothing my family.  It is a wonderful honor! 

Fast forward to the first day of classes this Fall...just a short week ago.  I'm feeling pretty good about things and figure I ought to bonzai through a STATS course while I am NOT working (per se).  hahahaha

What on earth was I thinking?  Not only is Stats one of my least favorite classes (while at BYU I told my mom that if I ever did NOT come home one night to check the Stats lab...it would be suicide) but I already have a HUGE load without the extra class. 

Apart from the general scheduling ease of adding another tough and rigorous class, it is suicide.  If not individual suicide, the death of my sanity, my family, my life in general.  That sounds morbid...but last night while sitting in class I realized with great clarity that taking this extra class means that I would be forfeiting a lot of time I could, and SHOULD, be spending on my other core classes related to health education!  Amazingly, when I returned home that night an email was waiting for me asking me to meet about another research project I have already committed to.  The writing on the wall was getting bolder and bolder.  All night I fret within myself about what to do - all along knowing it was best to drop the class.

And now I sit at a desk worrying about NOT going to a class today that I am definitely going to drop.  Why is it so hard to make this decision when I know it is the right thing to do?

All my "I can do this!"  and "Tough girls do....." statements come rushing to the forefront of my mind and overwhelm the peaceful feeling inside to take care of me and my family first!  I should have been listening more intently to the complaints of my children and not passing it off as the beginning of the semester trauma we always go through!

Consequent of thinking about this all day, I have contemplated (while trying to read boring research articles having to do with statistics, methodology, measurement and research design - uplifting reading is WAY more fun) why correct decisions can be difficult....or why when you absolutely know, and feel also, the truth it is so hard to go forward with it NOT feeling guilt or any other emotion.

I'm sure this will be a theme of my thinking in my "spare time" for awhile.